Reaching the End

"Whats that smell?" I asked Kristine when we arrived in Hanoi.
"Its the smell of Vietnam" she answered.
"o_O"

As soon as she said that a million more question came into my head. "Can I really do this?" "Will I get homesick" "What did I get myself into? "Why is it so damn hot?!" These questions were answered as I familiarized myself with the streets of Hanoi, made sure to webcam my parents every week and slathered on hella sunblock.

Less than 10 days left in the program, it really feels as if I had just gotten out of the airport blinked and here I am writing my last blog.  What happened?  I can't even start to comprehend the last 4 months.  My brain wants to melt out of my head and onto the floor because it is just in awe "did i really experience all this in 4 months?"  Laughing in the early morning with my roommates to staying out late at night almost until the shops open again, what can i make use of these 4 months?  Living 21 years of my life in America, how does a period of 4 months stand up to anything?  I feel like its a dream and now its time for me to wake up.  When will I see my project group again?  When's the next Kiem An interivew?  When's the next bia hoi dinner? When will be the next time EAP will be together again? What scares and saddens me the most is that I already know the answers to these questions, I'm just too afraid to admit it out loud.  I can't return to this as easily as I want to.

What troubles me is that this experience was like me going full force in everything but I feel unable to grasp onto anything. I'm not done yet, I can't leave now! Can I cut out Hanoi and implant it in my backyard please? Returning back to the states I'll have to eat indoors, pay for expensive beer, and remain within the lanes.  How do I take Vietnam back with me? A bunch of souvenirs? What I can take back is the memories and experiences with my friends, HANU and EAP.  I've met some of the kindest, warmest, quirkiest, beautiful people here.  Coming back to America, I know that I will forever continue sharing with my fellow EAPers and friends back at home.

I've given my whole heart to this program and Vietnam opened its arms graciously to me.  It taught me things I never knew, allow me to reconnect with my family, challenged me, made me check my privileges, and in the end helped me find myself.

I will miss most the conversations, the laughs, the random spurts of "holy shit i'm in vietnam," and the beautiful faces. 

Thank you